NO VIRGINS ALLOWED

Blogs Stink

2009-03-10T14:18:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone. I hate blogs. Did you know that?

I wanted this to be a fun group effort but nobody got on board for it. Also, I don't care for the way blogs look in general. Give me a simple HTML geocities site any day. Blogs seem like they are less work, but man, maybe that's why blogs are horrible? Because they ARE easy? When you have to type something up in HTML you kinda ask yourself "is this WORTH writing in HTML and opening my FTP Client to upload?" See, if I were asking myself this, I wouldn't be typing this right here. Because this rambly mess is NOT worth it.

But eventually novirginsallowed.com will be redesigned. This blog is officially no longer being updated, but all the entries will be saved for posterity. But I will turn the front page into something a little more functional. I promise you! MY WORD IS MY BOND.

-LUKE MAXWELL, 2003

2008-09-28T23:59:00.000-07:00

Shit Bros.

2008-09-27T23:59:00.000-07:00

2008-09-12T02:39:00.001-07:00

2008-09-06T01:50:00.001-07:00

2008-09-05T23:20:00.000-07:00

2008-09-02T01:35:00.001-07:00

2008-08-28T23:59:00.000-07:00

Early Conan Ad (version 2)

2008-08-17T01:23:00.000-07:00

Slightly better version of an already executed idea:

2008-08-16T02:27:00.000-07:00

2008-08-14T04:33:00.001-07:00

2008-08-11T04:28:00.001-07:00

Swing Vote

2008-08-10T23:59:00.000-07:00

earlyconan.com

2008-08-08T04:55:00.000-07:00

Brand New earlyconan.com! It features extras, commentary, a new myspace page, and a digg link! Check it out! It's all updated for the modern web user!

2008-08-07T23:59:00.000-07:00

GO DIE

2008-08-03T23:59:00.000-07:00

I should have sued you when I had the chance

2008-08-02T23:59:00.000-07:00

2008-08-02T03:49:00.000-07:00

2008-07-31T02:14:00.001-07:00

2008-07-22T00:30:00.000-07:00

2008-07-21T05:33:00.000-07:00

Heat of the Moment: REJECTED

2008-07-19T03:17:00.000-07:00

REJECTED, for the following reasons:

1. I think I'm relatively alone in being such not a car guy that I don't even know what my own car is. It's true; If people ask me what kind of car I'm driving I genuinely have to think about it. In my mind, it's completely absurd to think anybody would ever try and have this conversation with me.

2. The fact that we'd been sitting there in silence for hours is not entirely clear.

3. This is what happens when I draw a comic but only have ONE sheet of paper. I literally only had one sheet left to draw SOMETHING with. Usually I'll photocopy a cartoon in progress so I can at least do a rough trace with the photocopy to properly draw consistent head and body sizes. Here I tried to just use horizontal lines to measure across the panels how big the heads and whatnot should be. But I kept fudging it and look what happened: We get bigger and bigger as the comic goes.

4. I wasn't looking Peter Krausey enough.

2008-07-19T03:14:00.000-07:00

2008-07-16T03:57:00.000-07:00

Early Conan Commentary

2008-07-15T18:40:00.000-07:00

So, I haven't really been doing many comics lately. That's because I moved to Chico, and we're still moving in and stuff. I started working immediately and haven't had any time to get shit done around the house. On my off time I wrote some commentary for my Early Conan comics. Here is commentary for the first forty Early Conans. Hopefully I'll get to make more soon...

THURSDAY, APRIL 17th 2008

The first strip was based on an AIM conversation! Basically, I was scrolling through old transcrapts to look for funny stuff to post on the blog. I was, at the time, starting to post backlogs of old material on this blog and was turning that into a big project. So I came across me saying "Remember that episode of Conan where he showed what would happen if two gay dudes mated and it was just a picture of nothing?" I was going to post it as an aim conversation, but then realized it would be a perfect three-panel comic. So I drew it! I called it EARLY CONAN just to explain why he's a jerk. Something compelled me to draw a second one. Basically as I drew more I realized I'd make this a regular thing.

FRIDAY, APRIL 18th 2008

I think it's funny when people tell other people to shut up out of nowhere! SO SUE ME!

SATURDAY, APRIL 19th 2008

This is based on how extremely complimentary David Mirkin is re: Conan O'Brien on Simpsons commentaries. I was just trying to think of Conan-centric things and for some reason that came to mind immediately. Gene Shalit blasted this one because I portrayed David Mirkin as a sexual predator, but he's a fat faggot so fuck him. Also, the Amoeba talk was from when a crazy lady at Borders gave me unsolicited advice about drinking water.

SUNDAY, APRIL 20th 2008

I just imagined Andy Richter moaning in bed with some kind of Oregon Trail disease and it cracked me up. Who else would he call but his #1 pal Conan O?? And people skeletizing within a very short period of time is extremely funny. I think I subconsciously stole "your late" from snagglepuss though

MONDAY, APRIL 21st 2008

Just continuing Andy's sweating nervous persona in a comic that is based on 1. how people used to smoke on Talk Shows and 2. Muppet Babies. Here Nanny is played by Tom Scharping (not really)

TUESDAY, APRIL 22nd 2008

I think this was the first idea Mark gave me, and it cracked me up. I actually have a backlog of ideas he gave me that I want to draw. My contribution to the idea is everyone applauds after Conan screams - they don't get that what is going on is real and think Conan is really good at acting. Also, how Conan repeats the concept in the first panel. I came up with that. Because he always does that.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 23rd 2008

I always wanted to refer to Chevy Chase as a "Handsome comedian and Conaine Enthusiast" in a thing. Or do a character that was a parody of Chevy Chase and write a sketch where an entertainment news show refers to him that way. I realized Conan was the perfect vessel to make my words sparkle. Also a shirt that says "LEGALIZE IT!" and having it refer to COCAINE is such a good idea and the intent is unmistakable if Checkers Chase is wearing the thing. Chevy is NOT dying from cocaine use, by the way.

THURSDAY, APRIL 24th 2008

This was going to be a three part comic, but I nixed the first part, where the Executive tells a rude joke about calling NBC "THE COCK" (a shortening of THE PEACOCK). He says "If you stroke the 'cock, the 'cock will stroke you back!" and it cuts to Conan looking away and crying and the executive apologizes. Then I realized at that point I hadn't had anything truly vulgar in the comic yet and decided now wasn't the time to start. This would be the second part. The third part I'll talk about later. Anyway, this is just making fun of pouty angsty kids who behave the way Conan is behaving, and the executive over-reacting.

FRIDAY, APRIL 25th 2008

Mark made a video about Mike Myer's dying, and there was a photo in it that I thought to myself looked like Conan O'Brien. So I instantly came up with the idea of Mike Myers impersonating Conan. I had Wayne on the Brain I guess, so I changed it to Wayne Campbell, thinking it would be funny to have Wayne exist in the world of Early Conan as a rival talk-show. Andrew deserves a writing credit for this, but I didn't give it to him because at the time I thought I'd only credit concepts for strips and not just little jokes. He came up with Garth Shushing and having it turn into SCHWING! Oh yeah, the Aerosmith reference is from the opening of Waynes World 2.

SATURDAY, APRIL 26th 2008

I was chatting with Mark, and I accidentally called Wayne "Wayne Algar" and corrected myself. The idea of Wayne taking Garth's last name instantly lead to Mark coming up with the concept of a wedding invitation, and that Conan would open it up and it would say "NOT!" inside. Also, I love how close the two Wayne incidents are to each other, Wayne was really gunning for Conan in those early days.

SUNDAY, APRIL 27th 2008

The idea of getting yourself worked up over a terrible future so much so that you get diarrhea always appealed to me! This is an all time classic because it features Andy taking a shit and every comic that involves that is a classic!

MONDAY, APRIL 28th 2008

This was going to be the third part in the three-part comic, but I realized that it would be clunky and weird and it'd be best to just space them out. There was no real reason to make them come right after each other. Also the big thing about this comic was that I just lifted the joke from Mark Riddles' hysterical Doogan-releated prank and kind of just did it without asking him (even though I credited him). Sorry!

TUESDAY, APRIL 29th 2008

Just in case I need to state the obvious, this is based on Conan's penchant for spoofing Walker, Texas Ranger and also on the cartoon DUCK AMUCK. I call it CHUCK AMUCK. I made a headshot Featuring Chuck Norris posing with Conan and Andy, as a parody of cartoonist's headshots where all their characters are surrounding them. I was going to do all the characters that had been seen up to that point, but it was too much work for a joke that normal people wouldn't even get.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 30th 2008

word-for-word a Mark Riddles script. Triumph is a real dog and Conan had a heart attack from shock. I think I originally was going to have Triumph floating, suggesting some kind of supernatural goings-ons, but decided against it. I hope people don't think Triumph is still a puppet and I just didn't bother to draw the arm. That would be terrible!

THURSDAY, MAY 1st 2008

man I love this! The funny face had to be just right. The idea of a lame funny face is hysterical to me. One time Martin Short interviewed Damon Waynes for a Jiminy Glick sketch and he asked him about Jim Carey, "OLE RUBBER FACE!" and then Glick started doing really lame funny faces to get the point across and it was one of the funniest things I ever saw. I can't beleive nobody discusses this moment as one of the funniest things Martin Short ever did (And I am one of the few people my age who actually does think Martin Short is hysterical).

FRUDAY, MAY 2nd 2008

Mark wrote this one and originally Max was supposed to have a backwards baseball cap on and there was going to be a VH1 Logo in the corner. I just forgot about those details when I drew it. Also, look closely! Max has a flannel sweatshirt tied around his waist! Oh yeah, and also IS IT 1996 YET? was an anti-Clinton slogan of the time that my dad had a bumper sticker of on his truck. I wish my dad was hip enough to keep it on post-1996 (or at least save the bumper sticker for me to put on MY car 7 years later). Max feels like Clinton is ruining his 90s experience.

SATURDAY, MAY 3rd 2008

Mark originally pitched this as a joke involving Jeff Goldblum getting snippy with Conan over weather or not the fake skyline in the background was fake or not. Conan says to Jeff "It's the middle of the afternoon!" to which Jeff rejects, citing that his self-tinting shades would be tinting if that were true. Then Mark told me the story of a fat kid he knew in high school who very arrogantly showed off his self-tinting shades and Mark's angry reaction to watching this smirking butterball's eyes disappear. I used that instead!

SUNDAY, MAY 4th 2008

All I really have to say is that the Michael Winslow call is funny because he gives him self an opportunity to do a Machine Gun sound effect but doesn't follow up with the actual sound effect. That was not a mistake.

MONDAY, MAY 5th 2008

This is basically based on my decision to turn YOUR L*** into a running joke. It has yet to run since.

TUESDAY, MAY 6th 2008

Mark had all these lofty ideas of doing spin-offs, including Future Letterman and Current Fergeson. His pitch for Current Fergeson was that Craig would be listening to an i-pod during a commercial break and would creep out Howie by trying to get him to listen, using his used ear buds. I loved the joke a lot and realized earbuds existed before ipods, and also it'd be much funner to draw Howie Mandel 15 years ago. I combined it with this old comic I drew. Andrew and I had an art class together and we wrote this when we were bored. And when I say "we" I mean ANDREW wrote it.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 7th 2008

So a million years ago I saw some Animal Planet show about a cat giving birth. It was basically a reality show about a couple with a pregnant cat and it was teaching you how to deal with it step by step. The final shot was of the couple's dog, locked outside in the backyard, going nuts at the sliding glass door. It was a throwaway shot that just stuck with me as being a great, hilarious detail. At the time there was a big joke thread going on on one of our message boards, and I wrote it as a joke: Q. Why did the dog get sent outside? A. Because the cat was inside giving birth! When Mark came up with the idea for Triumph being real, I immediately thought of that, and I put off drawing both comics because I couldn't decide if I should make THIS comic be the introduction to Triumph being real, or if I should do Mark's concept first. I'm still not sure I made the right decision, but I guess I wanted this comic's joke to be more about a dog being locked outside because a cat is giving birth than for it to be about a famed puppet actually being alive.

THURSDAY, MAY 8th 2008

I consider this to be the first in a trilogy of uncomfortable comic strips, just because of Andy dressed all racistly. Basically this just comes from the idea of bleeping a fart. I think the TV edit for Problem Child 2 was on my mind, where Junior farts in Gilbert Gotfried's office; On TV they would change it to a belch (substituting footage of course; they were NOT trying to make it look like Junior farted out a burp).

FRIDAY, MAY 9th 2008

This is based on a seldom-known thing where sometimes closed captioning fails to censor language on TV. This one's funny because the closed captioning probably said "(Farts)" which is obvious without ANY audio. Just explaining the joke in case you're deaf. The hat on the kid is inspired by a pencil I had growing up that said "I'M A LUCKY KID!" with a bunch of four-leaf clovers on it. Also, I hoped people didn't think I was making fun of how deaf people talk. I just wanted to hammer home how uncomfortable this is for Conan and how much of a jerk one would feel like if they were confronted with a kid with deaf dude talk coming out of his mouth.

SATURDAY, MAY 10th 2008

It always sucks when people who are about to die touch you. I hate it. At the time of this comic, me and Andrew were listening to Tiny Tim's first album a lot. It's actually genuinely great. I forget if there was more to this comic originally. All I remember was Andrew wanted Conan to meet Tiny Tim and that he’d have a creepy handshake.

SUNDAY, MAY 11th 2008

I got that giant Calvin and Hobbes anthology or whatever you'd call it last Christmas, and never cracked it open until very recently. The idea here is that Andy is just a stuffed animal to everyone but Conan. And if you read all the comics, this honestly could be true for every strip. Not that I tried to do that, it’s just a happy coincidence.

MONDAY, MAY 12th 2008

Chris Elliott was in a series of Tostitos commercials, where he played a gullible boob and typically the only redeemable thing about his appearance at any given place (weather it be a party or an airport or what have you) is the fact that he brought Tostitos chips and dip, then people would celebrate his arrival, and then tell him something (typically some kind of promise of new-found respect for Elliott because of his saving the day with snack food), and he'd ask "Wow, really?" to which the person would cruelly taunt, "NO, NOT REALLY!" It’s also funny because Chris Elliott is a totally nice dude and would never grab any host by the scruff like he’s doing now and scream in his face.

TUESDAY, MAY 13th 2008

There was a comic I really wanted to draw (this one), but it would basically mean my spinning-off Wayne’s Wedding into it's own comic series. I couldn't really figure out how to introduce the spin-off. So I asked Andrew what he thought, and the idea of a cue card with a picture of a Wedding ring on it was the first thing that came out of his mouth. I wrote the rude Top Ten, which if you look closely the #1 slot is the beginning of "LIVE FROM NEW YORK, ITS SATURDAY NIGHT!" On Saturday Night Live they did Wayne’s World a lot as a cold open, and they'd do the Top Ten sketch, and #1 would be "LIVE FROM NEW YORK!" So as a result, on the Mike Myers Best-of they showed these sketches and they'd just cut away before they got to #1. And people didn't get that that was why and bitched about it. "THIS IS BULLSHIT THEY EDITED WAYNES WORLD!!!" they would moan. And by "they" I meant the one person I saw do it on amazon.com one time. There was probably more.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 14th, 2008

This is a really old Mark Riddles idea I just didn't get around to until late! He originally pitched it as Joel Hodgeson showing a clip, and the clip was going to be of the Mystery Science Theater theme song. But it was too hard to draw. Also I felt like people would call bullshit if Joel Hodgeson was on a talk show that wasn't hosted by a cartoon character.

THURSDAY, MAY 15th, 2008

Willie wrote the idea of seeing a masturbating bear in the zoo and Conan getting the idea for a million dollar sketch idea. I added the twist of seeing a Pimp Bot in the zoo as well. I just want to say that there’s not very many big, detailed picture of Pimp Bot to be found online. I kinda had to fill in the blanks. "But Look at there" was a sleeper hit of words and I am very proud of it.

FRIDAY, MAY 16th, 2008

Originally I wanted to get a comic off the ground called "Heat of the Moment" where each day I'd draw the best moment of my day. I drew a bunch of them, but since the whole shtick was supposed to be that they were things that happened very recently, I'd be lazy getting them scanned and I'd never put any of them up. I drew one that was complete fiction, and kind of ruined the whole concept of the comic: I approach Andrew at work and lament that the new girl won't talk to me, she keeps going off to do busy work (True, except with Andrew and my roles reversed). Andrew for some reason is mad, and he says "I bet she thinks you are ugly." (untrue) the next panel was me sitting in the Borders restroom, crying. (untrue). I was going to call it HEAT OF THE MOMENT: FACT OR FICTION and have a photo of Jonathan Frakes saying "FICTION" at the end to make it all okay. Since the paper I drew it on got trampled and wasn't in scanable condition, I reused the joke here. Other comics include: Me trying to get tape off my finger and scolding myself "THIS IS TERRIBLE BEHAVIOR. THIS IS FOOLISH!" Me saying something funny and then writing it down after getting a laugh from a girl at work and then folding up the paper and putting it in my pocket (Somebody recommended I read a book because it was "really good, but really sad" and I shot back with "you know what book is really good but sad? MY DIARY") and an autistic kid asking a teacher to turn a painting on it's side and then exclaiming, in a pompous tone "AH! Now I see the flow!"

SATURDAY, MAY 17th, 2008

This was the first comic I did without having a big backlog of comics ready to run. My moving out of the horrible city of Eureka was looming closer and closer and I kind of started losing sight of the comic. It's also the first truly topical comic. I had to do a thing about Gay marriage since Wayne and Garth were gonna do the deed. The big joke in here is that I confuse Wayne and Garth with the Ninja Turtles by throwing in a "kick shell" reference.

SUNDAY, MAY 18th, 2008

I love the idea of a big brute bully chasing around a little guy and calling him a pipsqueak! I love it so much, it is one of my favorite comedy ideas.

MONDAY, MAY 19th, 2008

This is a more poignant comic than it is a joke-a-thon. I was afraid people would think I was running out of ideas and that splitting this up was a ploy to milk an idea. I just couldn't figure out how to draw it as one comic, and at the time was a stickler for the format.

TUESDAY, MAY 20th, 2008

This is so conceptual and inside-jokey. Originally the idea was I was going to a whole week of comics like this, but I got super busy and just couldn't dedicate the time to try and think of high-school-esque comics. This is based on a true story, by the way. My math teacher was pregnant and hormonal, and I did a math project wrong, like there were two different assignments and one was just an example and one was the actual project, and I did the example which actually was more work, and I sheepishly went up to her to explain I did it wrong and she started crying and called me a "stupid mother fucker" and left the room. I got a B without having to redo anything (shouldn't I have gotten an A?). It's also a throw-back to when I would make comics about my teachers, but they were all way more mean-spirited and smarter than this.

FRIDAY, MAY 23rd, 2008

This is based on an episode of All in the Family that I hate. It's about Archie's Army buddy coming into town, and Archie and his other army buddies all laud him because he's super rich now. The guy is having issues with his son, and intermittently calls him from Archie’s house while Archie woops it up with army dudes laughing, completely fucking oblivious to their friend's sadness. The only guy who notices is Rob Reiner, who looks on with a sad face while Archie is clueless. And that's it! Archie stays ignorant and Rob looks at the guy all sad and the whole episode is like SEE THIS GUY IS RICH BUT HE HAS FAMILY PROBLEMS AND THE CONSERVATIVE GUY IS TOO STUPID TO UNDERSTAND IT BUT THE LIBERAL DOES and UUUGH its so bad. I think it's a Season One episode if you want to track it down and watch it like an asshole.

SUNDAY, MAY 25, 2008

Mark gave me this idea really early on, and I held back on doing it because I started drawing it once and realized it wouldn't be a three panel comic. For some reason it didn't seem right to do two-panel comics. I thought of the Richard Kind one shortly after Mark gave me the idea. The second time I attempted to draw this comic was after I did the Chris Elliott one, which was a little too similar and I decided to get some distance from that. Oh yeah, Mark pitched it as Kevin Meaney throwing Conan's desk, but it was too hard to draw so I substituted desk-throwing for a Beetle Juice face.

TUESDAY, MAY 27, 2008

There was a reality show on TV Land (A channel whose whole purpose is to show reruns of old shows), where parents would pull pranks on their children, and each week they'd bring in a celebrity to help out. Because that's really what we want to see, right? Super rich and privileged people picking on CHILDREN with hidden cameras? Well, TV Land had a Night Court marathon and Mark and I watched most of it, and all through it they aired a promo for an episode featuring "CELEBRITY PRANKSTER RICHARD KIND." Since then not a single conversation went by that involved Richard Kind where we DIDN'T give him the title CELEBRITY PRANKSTER before mentioning him. How many conversations have we had involving Richard Kind? A lot more than you'd think. Also, a joke in this that nobody ever commented on: Their tie status is left-over from the previous comic, so this time they revert back to their original states when they get spooked. Either it was too subtle or not funny enough to mention.

SATURDAY, JUNE 21, 2008

So this was the whole reason I wanted to make a WAYNES WEDDING SPIN-OFF. Because Mark pitched the concept of Wayne doing a TOP TEN REASONS WHY I LOVE GARTH and it simply being a big picture of his face slowly being revealed and I thought it was amazingly hysterical and great. He came up with the idea the same night as the concept of Wayne and Garth getting married. I couldn't figure out how to do it in one line of comic, so I decided to draw the entire thing. It was the first comic I drew since moving from Eureka. It took so long because 1) My printer/scanner was packed, and I was unwilling to unpack it thinking I was going to be moving again soon, and 2) I lost my pen I use. I found said pen, but lost it for a SECOND time in the middle of this comic. So half-way through, the lines are a little different because I was using a different pen. The pictures of Garth reacting are so grotesque. It was sort of me giving up on making them look good, and sort of thinking they were funny-looking enough to upstage the main photo of him and that was a big accomplishment and something to be proud of.

SUNDAY, JUNE 22, 2008

Mark and I had a friend on aspecialthing.com who was going to Vegas. Mark's response was to write and impromptu Early Conan on the spot: Andy asks Conan where he went on Vacation, to which Conan replies "VEGAS, BABY!" I came up with the idea of Conan putting on sunglasses to say it, and also the phrase "where did you have vacation?" I think the reason I liked this idea so much is because me and my friend Andrew had a running joke about one of our former bosses named Mike. He was a by-the-book douche who was kind of weird and snotty. Squidward from Spongebob Squarepants could easily be a parody of this guy, except not as emotional. He has an insane jaw and a bald head. He's basically a caveman that acts like he's from the future and is above everybody. He wasn't very nice, and he seemed to care way too much about his job yet at the same time he seemed like was barely involved in it. Despite all these negative observations, me and Andrew still really liked him because he was such a weirdo. He was gone for like two weeks one time, and we found out he was in VEGAS. Me and Andrew would imitate his voice going "VEGAS BABY" and joked that he'd come back and suddenly be really super nice. In our made-up scenario, after a week police officers would come to our work, looking for Mike. Mike would walk out, see the police officers, and give himself up. As he was being taken away he'd turn to us like Royal Tenenbaum and tell us that the past week has been the best week of his life.

FRIDAY, JUNE 27, 2008

Me and Andrew were brainstorming Wayne's Wedding ideas while watching Wayne's World (Which inspired two additional comics). I think we discussed who should be Wayne's best man out of their group of friends, and Andrew suggested that it should be Garth. As part of his speech, Garth would say he had WAYNE ON THE BRAIN, and it would cut to Wayne swooning. And that's the story of Wayne wanting Garth to be his best man!

A BACKWARDS HISTORY OF MY NEIGHBORS: PART 1

2008-07-06T02:13:00.000-07:00

CURRENT

I am living in my parents house right now because I got a place in Chico that wasn't gonna be ready until A COUPLE OF DAYS FROM NOW (I MOVE SOON FUUUUUUCK). I don't know my neighbors at all. To the left of us theres a lady who gets in her car to check the mail box. To the right of us, I don't even know. I remember when I was young in my college career I got home and saw about ten high-school JOCKISH type dudes without shirts rehearsing what was obviously a cheer-leader routine for their school's powder-puff game (thats the only thing that made sense to me anyway) and they were playing some kind of bad rock song and doing a super masculine dance all with fists and arms swinging back and forth and it made me so mad I pulled into my garage and screamed at my steering wheel for a minute. PS: This is all nice suburbs and shit.

SEPTEMBER 2007-MAY 2008

For a brief stint I lived in Eureka CA, which is a horrible city. The city is full of angry selfish hippies and meth addicts. We lived in an older apartment building, and our actual neighbors were nice to us. They were old lady potheads basically. Unfortunately their extended family was constantly hanging around, and they were all fuck-ups and creeps. One guy had a heroin hair-cut and a face tattoo of a bird under his eye (with it's mouth open, ready to catch the tear that was inevitably going to wind up there as well). They were just yelly rednecks who spent their days getting high with their little children around. The apartment reeked of reefers and it seeped through the bathroom ventilation and made OUR apartment reek as well. One day their fuck-head son got kicked out, and Andrew told me he heard them fight: He declared he was moving out for good. And he did, 15 yards away, into a pathetically small RV parked on the street. They powered it with an orange extension cord plugged into his mothers apartment. When I say RV, It's more a camper shell type thing that goes on a pick up truck; About as big as a jail cell. There was him, his wife, and their kid living in it. One day their kid ran up to me and announced: "I HAVE TWO HOUSES! THAT ONE AND THAT ONE! (pointing to the apartment and the trailer respectively). I went inside and started crying.

NEXT UP: JIXBY IN COLLEGE? IT HAPPENED! And I had roommates! HORRIBLE ones!

2008-06-27T23:59:00.000-07:00

2008-06-27T23:52:00.000-07:00

2008-06-24T23:59:00.000-07:00

2008-06-22T20:23:00.000-07:00

2008-06-21T20:22:00.000-07:00

KUNG-FU MELTDOWN

2008-06-18T21:37:00.000-07:00

Written between the years 1974 and 1977, shot in 1978, and released in 1981, this clunker of a comedy boasts crazy, uncensored comedy sketches but only manages to turkey up theater screens everywhere. Peter Aykroyd seems perplexed as to why he is stooping so low, besides this (allegedly) being his first movie. Features a sketch parodying Yolanda Bowsley, the woman who lost her top on The Price is Right in 1977, but like most of the sketches in this movie it's merely an excuse to show naked female breasts, and I hate that.

BOMB

-LEONARD MALTIN MOVIE GUIDE 1987 (the last year the guide carried a listing for this movie)

Rex Reed's full unellipsised quote:

"The commercials claim it's "Saturday Night Live" without the censors... I think it's more like Friday's without the censors!"

2008-05-27T20:22:00.000-07:00

2008-05-25T20:21:00.000-07:00

2008-05-23T20:21:00.000-07:00

2008-05-20T20:20:00.001-07:00

Early Conan is on vacation. Please enjoy these early strips from high school - L.M.

2008-05-19T20:19:00.000-07:00

2008-05-18T20:19:00.000-07:00

2008-05-17T20:18:00.000-07:00

2008-05-16T20:18:00.000-07:00

2008-05-15T20:17:00.000-07:00

2008-05-14T20:17:00.000-07:00

2008-05-13T20:16:00.000-07:00

2008-05-12T20:14:00.000-07:00

2008-05-11T20:13:00.000-07:00

2008-05-10T20:13:00.000-07:00

2008-05-09T20:11:00.000-07:00

2008-05-08T20:11:00.000-07:00

2008-05-07T20:10:00.000-07:00

2008-05-06T20:10:00.000-07:00

2008-05-05T20:09:00.000-07:00

2008-05-04T20:09:00.000-07:00

2008-05-03T20:08:00.000-07:00

2008-05-02T20:08:00.000-07:00

2008-05-01T20:08:00.000-07:00

2008-04-30T20:07:00.000-07:00

2008-04-29T20:07:00.000-07:00

2008-04-28T20:06:00.000-07:00

2008-04-27T20:06:00.000-07:00

Early Conan

2008-04-27T01:55:00.000-07:00

2008-04-26T20:05:00.000-07:00

2008-04-25T20:05:00.000-07:00

2008-04-24T20:04:00.001-07:00

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2008-04-22T20:02:00.000-07:00

2008-04-21T20:00:00.000-07:00

2008-04-20T00:00:00.000-07:00

2008-04-19T00:00:00.000-07:00

2008-04-18T00:00:00.000-07:00

2008-04-17T05:08:00.001-07:00

TMNT

2008-04-15T05:14:00.000-07:00

Hi, I'm the man who recorded the voice-overs for TMNT 4: Turtles in Time. here is the result of my labor. These are all the intros for the game, with my voice. Yes, that is actually me. Please stop emailing me, calling me a liar.

The following levels are covered:

1. Big Apple, 3AM
2. Alleycat Blues
3. Sewer Surfin'
4. Technodrome: Let's Kick Shell!
5. Prehistoric Turtlesaurus
6. Skull and Crossbones
7. Bury my Shell at Wounded Knee
8. Neon Night-Riders
9. Starbase: Where No Turtle Has Gone Before
10. Technodrome: The Final Shell-Shock

Please forgive me for the rude joke about Mario in Level 4. My mischievous, computer-wiz son snuck in and added it in using computers. I would punish him, but he is an adult and is currently paying the bills for my house. His fate is in the lords hands.

New IMDB Comic

2008-03-23T02:27:00.000-07:00

one new imdb comic

See what THAT is all about

Living with a Friend With a Hernia (Part 2 of 5)

2008-03-13T18:03:00.000-07:00

First of all, you might be wondering why I named these posts "Living With a Friend with a Hernia" even though I do not live with Jixby Phillips nor do I talk about anything hernia related. Its because I think the title "Living with a Hernia" is catchy. It work with Living with America, of course, but try using it in the song Owner of A Loney Heart.

Living with a hernia
Much better than
living with a torn rotator cuff

It was much catchier when I was singing it in the shower.

Part 2: Dude, Where's My Finger?*

Could I of thought of a more lamer name for this post? I guess not. This post will be in transcript from an recorded interview I had with my mom over the phone. Enjoy.

ME: So how old was I when I went to the hospital.
MOM: Uhhhhhhhh....I think you were four.
ME: And what happened again?
MOM: Well you got your hands on an empty coke can and you cut your finger pretty badly on the mouth of the can.
ME: Wow it was really that bad?
MOM: Yes, your little finger was turning black.
ME: So what did they do with the finger?
MOM: They just bandaged it and gave you a shot.
ME: How did I act about it?
MOM: Like a crybaby (laughs)
ME: I was four
MOM: You were terrified about being in there.
ME: I still am.
MOM: Well you will be in one if you keep riding that bike without a helmet.
ME: ugh, not this again
MOM: Also, this Saturday we are going for dinner for your birthday. Would you like to go to the Steakhouse or the Grill place in the Village.
ME: Can't we go to Dapper's, you know I like their soup there.
MOM: YOU ALREADY.....

(I guess I should fast forward this..sorry)

ME: I don't care, Goodbye.

Yikes, well I guess thats it. In part 3 we we'll be going Down Under! Stay tuned!

*now that you read the story, imagine me as a kid saying that to my mom.

Living with a Friend with a Hernia (Part 1 of 5)

2008-03-12T04:19:00.000-07:00

Yes, there will be five parts. They will each be no longer than a paragraph long (this one will be two as this introductory paragraph is supplementing it) as I don't have time to write a really long post this week so check back in the next four days for the rest. It's cool! If you read either of the two posts below you will know that my friend and owner of this website, Jixby Phillips, suffered a hernia for two months due to poor diagnosis from a hippie doctor. I have had nothing but terrible doctor experiences in my life and will share them with you. I will also say something nice about Jixby at the end of each post so there is something for everyone.

Editors Note: I totally fucking lied about the paragraph thing.

PART 1: A SHOT IN THE DARK

Hepatitus was all the rage in the 90s. Everyone was getting it and everybody hated it. So, it was standard (and probably still is but what do I know) that all students entering Junior High get their Hepatitus B and Hepatitus C shots (Hepatitus A was not on the menu because the school thought that it might be the only A some of the student would get in school, I love it). You would get B shots one day and then in about a month you would get C shots. The B shots were okay I guess. I didn't complain too much and it hurt only a little bit.

Yet, when it was time to get the C shots we had to go somewhere else two towns over. I was seated by a nurse on those tables and after a quick check up she told me to roll up your arm. and she cleaned the area. Naturally I though she was going to give the shot but then she left. All of a sudden this guy with a bunch of toys around his neck (yes it was a necklace of little toy figurines, there was at least 80 of them) already preparing a needle as he comes in and just stabs me with it. He lives it in for what seemed like 20 seconds. He joked, "Every drop counts!".

I was too shocked to feel the pain but afterwards my arm hurt like heck afterwards. He then disposes of the needles and gets another one ready. I cringe but it turns out he was getting it ready for someone else. I guess his tactic was to charge at the kid so they don't have a chance to be scared. It had to be so fucking unethical. My mom even complained but I just wanted to go home. I've been terrified by doctors ever since.

In Part 2, we will go back to my first hospital visit at the tender age of 5 a few days before Christmas. I will interview my Mom because I don't remember shit about it. Should be fun! Jixby Phillips is the funniest person I know, no question.

(I probably mispelled Hepatitus wrong, so what!)

Living with a Hernia (Part 1 of 1)

2008-03-09T22:32:00.000-07:00

Hey Guys! It's me, Jixby Phillips! Hernia-haver extraordinaire! Just in case you didn't get clued in before, let me fill you in on the facts: I have a hernia, and I hate it!

The story goes like this: A little over two months ago, I started experiencing a pain in my pelvis that on two different occasions required my going to a doctor to be checked out.

In case you don't know, here's what it looks like when you have a hernia:

Here's how it FEELS when you have a hernia:

(Note: This is not entirely accurate. Having had the hernia, my penis has never felt smaller)

So after two hospital visits with an incompetent, pony-tailed, eye-rolling, dismissive dink-bag who dressed like a janitor, I decided to get a second opinion. I came to this first guy insisting I had a hernia. The second opnion was brought on by not sleeping all night being in pain from what I thought was gas ("It's not a hernia" - Richard Dunn MD, twice).

Oh, here's the thing about medical clinics: It's fucking hard as shit to be seen if you're a new patient. This might not be true in your town, but where I live it took fucking forever to find somebody who was willing to see me. Even if you sound pathetic and plead that you're "in pain and just want to be seen." I called about 15 different places, and every receptionist was an asshole. So do yourself a favor, find a place that will see you BEFORE you get sick. It's shitty and you shouldn't have to resort to this when you're in pain like that, but it's true.

It was a fucking relief and a half when I was told by Dr. Cool (he really was cool) "Oh that's a hernia, lets get you some drugs dude! (grinds a rail)."

So yeah, I had an EMERGENCY SURGERY! I guess I could've died.

I spent most of my time having drugs administered to me. And I got to listen to my neighbor behind the curtain. It was his birthday. He decided to live it up by doing heroin for the first time in a year. Apparently there was some sort of physical altercation between him and his girlfriend. He's handcuffed to the bed, waiting for the police to take him away. Happy birthday dude, you did it.

So Anyway, this blog entry is getting light on jokes so I better wrap it up. If you take anything from this blog, it's to get a second opinion on shit like this. Hernias are seriously awful. Sitting in bed for days sounds great but it's still fucking painful as shit. Want to sit up because your back hurts? Get ready to have your eyes well up with tears as you very slowly hoist yourself up with your arms. Today a successful bowel movement drove me to tears of joy. Hopefully this will be the last time I ever have to live a Weird Al song. Yeah, that's the joke I'm gonna end this with.

Hey who here likes hernia jokes?

2008-03-07T19:45:00.000-08:00

Here's the latest Press Release by Jixby Phillips.

GUESS WHO JUST HAD SUPRISE HERNIA SURGERY??

I did!

About twelve hours ago, I was being wheeled out of the hospital by my parents who drove to Eureka because they were worried about their boy, who was getting cut open 3 hours away from them.

Special thanks to the shithead doctor at St. Joseph's urgent care in Eureka who failed to diagnose it TWICE when I went in to see him, forcing me to live two fucking months with a painful hernia. I should have known that a pony-tailed man dressed in exclusively in denim wouldn't be a good person trust my health with.

MORAL: Go to the Mad River Hospital in Arcata if you are sick. They actually know what they are doing and are all awesome

I warned him about people with ponytails. And now a hernia joke.

What did the Jixby Phillips think the doctor said when he had a hernia?
It's a hurtingyah (hernia)

The Paintjob will be on hiatus until his return. We have a few paintjobs already finished so don't give up on us yet.

hey ameen have you seen my new blog post?

2008-03-07T00:25:00.000-08:00

hey ameen have you seen my new blog post?

New Job-Quitting Fantasy

2008-02-29T00:34:00.000-08:00

Hey guys, just to let you know, my latest job-quitting fantasy now involves me walking in with a boom box, blasting "Joy" by Apollo 100, standing in front of the boss, letting the song complete, then handing him or her a letter of resignation and simply saying "I quit." I then start the song over and walk out.

I should also let you know, IMDB Comics got updated! Also, The Paintjob continues to update daily!

A top ten list of a dude who has got an attitude!!

2008-02-22T21:51:00.000-08:00

(picture of me)

1. "F*ck you dude"
2. "This place stinks, lets SPLIT"
3. "Hey babes lets neck"
4. "Homework sucks"
5. "I will put my fingers around your neck and squeeze until you are dead, gertrude"
6. "Outta my way!"
7. "Frisbee? what is this, a playground?"
8. "New shoes, new coat, same old me, lets party"
9. "I'm just window shoping (steals a window)"
10. (Belches)
11. "Screw you, and KISS my ass!"

DUDES WITH ATTITUDES DON'T CARE ABOUT BREAKIN THE RULES

DEAL WITH IT

Worst of the web, been sick

2008-02-19T19:45:00.000-08:00

Hey guys, sorry I haven't been around. Been sick. Been real sick.

But I'm not sick enough to fight.

If you look at the front page of Worst of the Web right now, you will see all they are talking about is how much they hate the newly re-opened The Paint Job.

Well guess what jerks, if you check us out you'll see a brand new paintjob commemorating your cowardly slam. Heh heh. (Click here for a direct link to the paint job in question).

I want all of you to flood the worst of the web forums and their blog, and let them all know they are huge jerks for what they've done.

Just look at these smug stinkers

Make them pay. Make them DIE

THE PAINT JOB IS BACK

2008-02-13T00:17:00.000-08:00

It took a lot of growing up, a lot of tears. It was a long Decemeber and there was reason to belie...

I MEAN THE PAINT JOB HAS MADE IT'S RETURN ONLINE! Please, check up out as it will be updated regularly! We worked really hard on it.

http://novirginsallowed.com/fyb/paintjob/

thanks!

Billy Crystal Q & A

2008-02-01T21:13:00.000-08:00

I recently participated in a BILLY CRYSTAL Q&A from my pal Mark Riddles! This is a fun way to pass the time, you answer every question so it includes Billy Crystal! Check it out!

1. If you could send one person to jail for life, who would it be?
Billy Cyrstal, for being sucha no-good racist :(

2. If you could interview one person living or dead, who would it be (Warning: The Dead People stay dead!!!)
Again, I'm going with Billy. I guess I need to make sure I'm making the right decision sending him to prison :( I would never interview a dead dude because skeletons are the scariest thing in the world.

3. Least Favorite Country, Most Favorite Country (besides the US)
HM!!!! I hate RUSSIA a lot because It's been only a few weeks since I saw Rocky 4. My favorite country besides USA is any old place where English is the first language, thanks a lot guys for taking on America's tongue it's really nice of you

4. Best place to grind rails in your community?
I don't do drugs so I can't answer this

5. Ocean Water? Drink it or Sink it?
Do you even have to ask? DRINK IT!

Re: Ace Ventura DVD edited?

2008-01-30T12:27:00.000-08:00

Originally posted on aspecialthing.com

I had a nightmare about Ace Ventura when I was younger that went like this:

It was specifically about Ace Ventura in "Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls" (the sequel). In the dream, he marched up to a pregnant African woman, and smashed her in the belly with a shovel, forcing her fetus to pop out. She cried like a baby while Ace taunted her. He, with much skills, sliced the umbilical cord, scooped up the baby, and flung it into the distance, shouting "AWWW? YOU WANT YOUR BABY? THERE GOES YOUR BABY!"

I remember it made me sick and disturbed and I was too spooked to ever watch Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls until I was much older and over it.

I-Mockery Secret Santa 2008

2008-01-25T03:24:00.000-08:00

So, I did the I-mockery Secret Santa thing. I got some presents, and had a blast! I missed the deadline on posting pictures, so this is a little late. I hope they don't mind! Mark Riddles helped me out behind the scenes with a terrific script and a killer directorial style. Thanks a lot!

AIM Chats

2008-01-23T01:00:00.000-08:00

hound: wait jixby
hound: did you see Juno
Jixby Phillips: no i did not
Jixby Phillips: did YOU
hound: yea
hound: i cheated and DOWNLOADED IT
hound: and thank god i didnt pay for it sheeeeeesh
hound: it's as bad as tom scarfling says
Jixby Phillips: it sounds terrifying
hound: GROSS
hound: Diablow Cod is on letterdude
Tommy: Is she hot
Jixby Phillips: she stripped tommy
Jixby Phillips: shes gotta be
Tommy: i'm prophecized to marry a stripper, i wonder if it's her
hound: shes already marred
Jixby Phillips: WHAT????

hound: morrissey on last call
Tommy: i do a pretty good impression of morrissey
Tommy: against all odds
hound: morrissey and a kid that kills sharks for fun
hound: i hope morrissey says something
Tommy: that would be sweet
Tommy: except...
Tommy: I WISH EVERY SHARK DIED
hound: who are you, Paul F Tompkins?
Tommy: I'm defying Yao Ming by saying that, but I hate them
hound: this kid rips out their eyes though
Tommy: well I also hate alligators, crocodiles, jellyfish, squid, etc
hound: stay out of the ocean!
Tommy: all dangerous sealife
hound: sealife is scary and gross
hound: thats why i stay away
Tommy: I do, i'll never go into a body of natural water ever again
hound: i watched this thing on snails and slugs and other reef animals
hound: it made me nauseous
Tommy: I was making up scenarios of that grss guy i know
Tommy: and i almsot made myself throw up by saying this:
hound: her face
hound: it was so old
hound: and wrinkly
Tommy: I'm walking with him on the beach and he's talking, and like nothing he reaches intot he ocean and pulls out a sea slug, spits all over it, and then rubs it in sand and eats it, like nothing
Tommy: like it's just something natural
Tommy: and continues his story
hound: why would he need to spit on it before rubbing sand
Tommy: because he spits all the time
Tommy: maybe it's part of his digestive process
hound: maybe his spit is like those foaming soaps
hound: they need to be exposed to air before becoming effective
Tommy: taking bites of a sea slug covered in sand and his own mucus

Mark Riddles: so where were you
Mark Riddles: when you found out about Heath
Mark Riddles: I was playing a game when all of a sudden PILLOWFIGHT pops up via IM in my full screen game saying HEATH LEDGER IS DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and it froze my computer
Mark Riddles: i thought it was a horrifying virus
Jixby Phillips: hahahha
Jixby Phillips: it was heath ledger's ghost
Mark Riddles: WHERE WERE YOU
Jixby Phillips: I was at my computer
Jixby Phillips: i saw a myspace bulliten
Jixby Phillips: i thought "who is taht again?"
Mark Riddles: from heath?
Jixby Phillips: and I went to imdb, who confermed it
Jixby Phillips: nice spelling on confirmed, by the way
Jixby Phillips: and I looked up his filmography and realized i've never seen a single movie he's been in
Mark Riddles: hard n' confirmed
Mark Riddles: i've seen A Knight's Tale
Mark Riddles: and uhhhh 10 things i hate about JEWS (MadTV Parody)
Jixby Phillips: I stayed away from TEN THINGS because I took the title literally to be about ME
Jixby Phillips: that is something doug woudl have a nightmare about
Jixby Phillips: right after getting diareah over getting worried about a haircut
Mark Riddles: the joker did not get away
Mark Riddles: hahaha
Mark Riddles: doug once got a nightmare about tearing something that is periforated
Jixby Phillips: haha
Mark Riddles: his dream had him riding a train
Mark Riddles: made of periforated line
Mark Riddles: but then there is a rip
Mark Riddles: and the train derails
Mark Riddles: and doug, screams
Mark Riddles: wanna play donkey kong by e-mail
Jixby Phillips: email, wow
Jixby Phillips: that sounds great
Mark Riddles: e-mail, electronic

Rocky in Reverse

2008-01-18T01:15:00.000-08:00

Me and Andrew watched every Rocky movie! It's because I saw Rocky Balboa without ever seeing any Rocky movie. So Andrew thought it would be funny if we watched all the Rocky movies but in reverse order, working up to the first one. It's a goofy way to watch it because basically every movie starts out with the end of the last one. Spoiler alert!

Here are my thoughts!

Rocky V

This was billed as the worst of the Rockies, and Andrew was dreading it. "It fucking SUCKS" he said. But we decided to power through. But we wound up having a blast watching it! There's a lot of important messages about fathers and sons (finally we get to see Rocky be a good dad). Rocky learned not to replace his son with the stupid meathead he wants to train. The son learned not to be a freak and wear an earing (best scene: he runs out of the house frustrated, and when it cuts to him and his friends on the street they are talking about running away for good luckily, Rock shows up to make things right). Basically everyone acts like a jerk and learns a lesson, which is great because I'm a fan of both things. Adrian is the biggest b*tch in this one!

Rocky IV

Huh Who's this Apollo creed guy? Why wasn't he in Rocky V? Maybe it has something to do with this world-famous Yakov Smirnoff joke: IN RUSSIA APOLLO CREED KILLS YOU! Rocky tries to retire for the 18th time in his career when a scary evil Russian comes and starts a score for Rocky to settle. I won't spoil it here, but he fucking kills Apollo Creed. Adrian is a b*tch but at least she's more supportive of Rocky, coming all the way to Russia just to bring the "Hearts on Fire" casette tape for Rocky to work out to. In this movie Rocky is fighting for what's right and not just himself and he changes russia for the better. I'm glad I opted out of watching this while playing the drinking game, where everytime the Russian dude makes you boo, you take a shot. I'd be fucking bombed as a cockeyed creep. Also it shows the difference between technology in America and Technology in Russia. In Russia they use technology to be jerks. In America we make cool robots that dudes can fuck.

Rocky III

Mr. T is in this one and he's a huge pr*ck and Rocky has to get the fight back! Apollo helps out and he and Rocky's friendship officially begins! Rocky is rich as f*ck in this one and it's f*cking awesome. The Hulkster Hogan shows up and calls Rocky a meatball over and over. There is not much to say about this one because by the time you see Rocky VI and Rocky V you've already seen Rocky try and get the fight back. But I will say this you should do: Check out the fight between Rocky and Hulk Hogan but watch it with english subtitles and french audio track. It is adorable.

Rocky II

You get to see Rocky become famous from his world famous fight and Apollo Creed gets the his cocky block knocked off and winds up eating crow. Adrian isn't a b*tch yet and Rocky marries her!!! There's a part where they are at the zoo and the tiger is out and Rocky proposes to her and then when she says yes Rocky goes "Hey Mr. Tiger we're gettin married!" and it's my favorite part because it's so romantic! Tigers play a pivotal role in this movie because Rocky has one on his back the entire time (better than a MONKEY, thank god Rocky stays drug-free in all of these movies).

Rocky

This movie really was the best of all. It had a lot of romance which I like and it has the most heart. The scenes between Rocky and Adrian are electric and Adrian is the least amount b*tch of all (except when she runs and hides from Rocky but thats not really b*tchy as much as it is just shes mentally ill ). The scenes between Mickey and Rocky are the best in this one. It's really weird watching a Rocky movie without seeing the ending of the previous one though. Andrew was sayin they should make a prequel where it's about Rocky wantin to be a boxer and it leads up to the fight at the begining (if you don't remember it's not very triumphant he wins but the dude he fights is just some schlub and everyone boos him and he gets called a bum) Also the conversation between Rocky and the kid all telling her shes gonna grow up to be a whore if shes not careful is priceless.

That is my review of the Rockies I hope you liked it!

The 2008 Murray-off.

2008-01-02T03:00:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone. Happy 2008

Mark Riddles has invented my favorite thing of the moment: The 2008 Bill Murray Tournament. It is currently going on our message board. Here is the official Tournament Bracket, it is all his doing:

And here is his official statement attached to the promotional materials:

"16 Bill Murrays come in, only 1 comes out. Who will win it all.

It doesn't get much cooler than Bill Murray so it's easy to know he's top dog. But which rendition of Bill Murray is the best. That is a hard one to answer. So, in celebration of the new millenium, I will pit 16 Bill Murrays against each other and you decide who comes out on top.

Sixteen Bill Murrays, Unbelievable!"

Read the thread here, if you want: (Link). This includes links to youtube videos of Bill guest announcing at a Cubs game, which is one of the Murray's in the running.

Here are my votes!

1. GHOSTBUSTERS vs GARFIELD

I think I'm going with Ghostbusters no contest. In Ghost Busters we get to see Murray do what he does best. He tangles with authority and tells a dude hes got no dick. He gets very sexy with a lady and makes all her dreams come true. He tells everyone that ghosts are bullshit and then busts every single one of them. At least here we get to see him bust some ghosts, instead of bust Odie's chops! What did Odie ever do to Garfield that made him so sour anyway? (or as Garfield would say, so "MEOW-ER")

2. CADDYSHACK vs. THE SWEET SPOT

So, I really have to explain this one. The way I'm voting is I'm pitting Murray against Murray, not Movie against Movie. I was actually one of a few who actually liked The Sweet Spot, but I barely remember it. Caddyshack was a movie I never was into as a boy, but recently was sat down to rewatch it at Andrew's urging. I actually really love it now. But Bill Murray isn't what makes me LOVE it. For me, Caddyshack is all about Dangerfield and Ted Knight. Also just as much it's about young Danny, and his desire to go to college and have sex with girls. Sure, Chevy and Bill brought in the kids and they do a good job. But Caddyshack wouldn't have suffered much in terms of quality if Bill wasn't there. I'm not saying they could do better, I'm just saying the groundskeeper stuff isn't what I watch Caddyshack for. Now the Sweet Spot, imagine how dead in the water they'd be without Bill. Shit, they HAD Bill, and it was already cancelled before it was ever on the air pretty much. But I guess that's what I liked about Sweet Spot. It clearly had no future, and nobody cared. So it's just four brothers goofin' off (and golfin' off!). Good for them, I hope they had fun!

3. LOST IN TRANSLATION vs. SCROOGED

I might be the biggest fan of Lost in Translation here. I think it's a great movie! But in the game of Murray vs. Murray, I have to give it to famous dickhead Scroonge Murray. I even like the scarey movie art! Murray's face looks like it's doing an impression of Bobcat's on the Hot to Trot poster, a gutsy move considering he could raise the ire of Mr. Hot-to-Trot himself Bobcan Goldthwait, who famously guest starred as a guest role in this movie. Scrooged gets thumbs up from me.

4. GROUNDHOG DAY vs WHAT ABOUT BOB

Man I love both of these movies, and I even disagree about Richard Dreyfus ruining. Groundhog Day is such a classic great Murray though. He's a real jerk and with Chris Elliott on his team, he's no slouch. I remember my dad laughing like the dickens at What About Bob every time when the house exploded. One time I bought Groundhog Day. It came out the Tuesday before Groundhog Day, but my local Target wasn't carrying it it seemed. I was very excited and went the day it came out to buy it. As fate would have it, I wound up at Target the very next day, which was Groundhog Day (the holiday) and they had it! I guess they just forgot to put it out! So I buy it and the guy at the counter is all snotty, and hes like "oh you're buying Groundhogs day on Groundhogs day. I get it." (why would you be snotty at me for this anyway??) I remember getting mad at him all LOOK BUDDY THIS CAME OUT YESTERDAY AND YOU FORGOT TO PUT IT ON THE SHELVES YOU ARE NOT DOING YOUR JOB VERY WELL I COULD GET YOU FIRED and also I did not even realize it was Groundhog Day.

5. SNL vs. THE LIFE AQUATIC

HONESTLY, I struggle to think of SNL Murray that really gets me pumped to vote for him over Life Aquatic Murray. And I've seen plenty of SNL stuff with him. I think Life Aquatic is an awesome movie, it used to be my least favorite of the Wesly Anderson movies and now it is my favorite. In this movie he gets called a faggot for wearing an earring and gets pissed, then he shoots a bunch of dudes who try to invade his boat. He cries after seeing a beautiful shark that ate his friend. If that is not a real man I do not know what is. I'm not putting down stuff he did on SNL, I honestly think Life Aquatic is more memorable.

6. THE ROYAL TENENBAUMS vs. CUBS

I love Royal Tenebaums, I love Murray. But he kinda feels jammed into this movie. I mean, he has a small part, which maybe isn't a bad thing… I mean life is full of people who have small parts in it right? He's not a pointless character. But as a character Raleigh St. Clair just seems like he has better stuff to do than to be in this movie. Sure he's sad about his special lady boning a dude that would go looney tunes and drive into some rocks later, but I consider him to be a mostly happy character. He's got that dweeboid to hang around with. He does not need to be voted for. Cubs Murray is a real treat to watch and it just reminds us all how much of a wonderful and talented man he is. He is a man not afraid to chow down on live TV with the most ding-dong lookin' food around, and that says a lot about his own feelings of masculine security. And that is so classic Murray.

7. STRIPES vs MEATBALLS

Wow a real tough one! I actually own Meatballs, but I do not own Stripes, but I've always meant to own Stripes. But Murray is a lot more brash and saucy in Stripes than he is in Meatballs, and the stakes are much higher since this is the army and not summer camp! Sure I'd rather be at Summer Camp too, drinking Kool-Aids and losing my virginity, but if I could handle myself in a war the same way Murray did I'd consider myself a real Murray and that is what this contest is all about.

8. RUSHMORE vs. KINGPIN

Kingpin is a real nostalgic favorite of mine. I used to fucking love it. There was probably a time when I considered it my favorite movie. I used to have a boner for Vanessa Angel too. Yeah, I can see now she's not that great, but when I was 6 or however old I was in 1996 she was a babe. I still like it a lot. I love the road aspect of it. I love what an ugly, weird loser Woody Harrelson is, and he's the actually the "hero" of the movie. I think Randy Quaid is pretty great playing what basically looks like a sketch comedy character for an entire movie. But I think Murray is fucking phenomenal in this movie. Seriously he isn't in this movie a whole lot, but every moment he's on screen is a fucking scream. Remember when and how he ran away after Woody Harrelson punched him? And the goofy hair is fucking awesome. Anyway, I like Rushmore, but nothing about Murray's turn as an unhappy old dude can really sway my vote from the king of all pins, Kingpin Doyle Murray

Art Class

2007-12-26T02:32:00.000-08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

Here is your present from me: A bitchy blog about my many mental breakdowns in Art Class! If the bitching about how stupid my classmates are doesn't hold your attention, then just skip down to the main stories in this post: One is titled "Being Good To Yourself" and the other is "The Exciting Conclusion."

The Class

So this semester me and Andrew decided to take a drawing class, for fun. I remember us thinking maybe we'd meet some cool girls. Oh we were so hopeful! There was ONE who is now friends with us on myspace (hey, are you reading this? COMMENT PLS), but I remember us envisioning just finding two girls who are exactly like us, and marrying them both.

So we show up to the first class, and we are introduced to a guy who we affectionately would come to call "Refund," because he is retarded and farts a lot. It's kinda cruel-sounding, and I can't defend it. But we stumbled on it and it made us laugh so hard we couldn't not call him that. But we were very supportive of him. He wasn't so mentally retarded as much as he just had bad motor skills and maybe was a little socially inept. He was actually pretty smart but pompous as hell. "This is a CLASSIC example of absurdism!" he'd say about a drawing. One abstract piece he asked the teacher to turn on its side. "Ah, now I see the flow!" He was probably the smartest person in the class, he just was dealt a bit of a bum hand genetically and needed to get a grip.

There was one hilarious moment during the first class when we did an exquisite corpse drawing and this one dude in the class started making fun of Refund's contribution. "You know that one dude who kept fartin? He drew all these blue squiggles and shit and I was like 'what the fuck do I do with that?'" We cracked up over how inappropriate he was. He said it, seemingly not caring who heard him.

So me and Andrew started the class loving it. I remember a lot of laughs those first few classes.

But then we came to realize that everyone in the class was a fucking idiot. There were a few grown-ups in the class, and a few mellow young people, but everyone else were stupid fresh-out-high-school bros and douchebags. Do you need me to provide examples of how stupid everyone was? Well, I'm not usually known for negativity re: the human race, but this once I'll make an exception.

Our Classmates

There was this one girl who me and Andrew absolutely could not stand. She was a big-mouth in a big bad way. In fact I couldn't even look at her without the Smiths song playing in my head. She would constantly give shit to Refund, and it drove me and Andrew nuts. Refund was a light-hearted fellow over-all; he would attempt to joke around. His jokes were a little lame, but pretty standard as far as bad, acceptable, social joking around goes. I remember the teacher one time brought eggs for us to draw and shade and she said "I wish these were boiled, but I only bought these on the way here." Refund jokingly says something like "You didn't boil them? Shame on you!" CLEARLY joking. Big mouth struck again and scolded him, "SHE JUST BOUGHT THEM! SHE COULDN'T HAVE BOILED THEM!" Something like this would happen every class, and it always bothered me and Andrew.

Another time, Refund was having trouble with himself and he did a fart. This one megadouche whose name I never learned immediately jumped on it like a high-school bully. It was really quiet in class, and he just pipes up, "woah! Unleash the beast!" I remember that moment as him going from being just a garden-variety dink to being a full-fledged enemy of ours. I remember one time, after he said something particularly stupid, Andrew did that mimicky-mumble thing, imitating his voice without saying any words? Kinda humming a really dumb-sounding apeish noise. You know what I'm talking about? It's hard to articulate. It was such a great knee-jerk reaction to this shithead classmate that it killed me. I remember running out of the room to finish laughing at it.

Andrew summed up the class perfectly: It's like having a job, and you need to learn a certain skill in order to get promoted. And to do it, you have to learn this valuable, important skill in a class full of 6-year-olds who are there to learn it for different reasons and don't really give a shit. It was really infuriating. People would throw shit across the class and stuff like that. It's like they all forgot or just hadn't realized yet that they are adults. One time I had to attend class by myself, and I wound up faking sick and leaving half-way through. I think the real reason I left was just as legitimate: I was having an emotional meltdown without having Andrew there to distract me from the horrible, horrible stupidity that went on in that class.

The teacher was so nice and sweet, and she wasn't much older than me and Andrew. You could tell she was kinda in the same boat as us, but she was way more tolerant towards their shitheadedness. That's why she gets the big bucks, I guess. She used to bring in music and she made an offer to the class: If you wanna bring in a CD to play in class, you can. Guess who decided to take her up on that? If you answered "a stupid jerk" you would be right. This stupid jerk in question was a bro, who brought in a horrible rap CD. It was completely obscene and not suitable background drawing music at all. I remember seething in my seat, but being the usually non-confrontational puss that I am, not doing anything. Then, Lindsay, my guardian angel and personal hero, got up and turned it off. She was as polite and apologetic as could be, and she laid it all out on the line in the way I was too a-scared to do. Just for that she became known to me and Andrew as "the good one."

So after that debacle, the teacher kinda downplayed that offer of playing brought-in music. One day she brought in a CD of Tom Waits, which I find to be perfectly acceptable background music in a classroom. This one girl, who still had the voice of a child, sneered and asked "who's THIS?" The teacher told her, "Tom Waits." The girl got a confused look on her face. "Isn't he DEAD?" I remember barking across the classroom "No he's not, and just so you know: When a person dies, their CDs still work." It was a triumphant zinging.

A little later, the teacher left. And megadouche (the "unleash the beast" guy, who was sitting next to girl stupid) took the opportunity to take a defiant stance on the music playing by pulling out his cell phone and improving the music-situation by playing, I shit you not, LIMP BIZKIT. "Yeah fuck this old people music! Let's listen to something horrible that hasn't been popular in a decade and is even worse now than it was when it was new!" LIMP BIZKIT blaring out of a tinny cell-phone speaker was him trying to make things right in the music department. What the fuck?

Another story involving stupid girl: one time, we watched a video about some artist. He was kind of an interesting character, and he was unpretentious and had certain traits that I could relate to (being a packrat and obsessing over old aesthetic that no longer really exists and incorporating stuff like that into his art) that anyone who is capable of thought SHOULD be able to at least understand, even if they don't relate to it. The teacher opens the floor to comments about the video. Stupid raises her hand. "I didn't like it." she said. "Okay, why?" "I don't know." she shot back really rapidly. And the way she said it was so FINAL, like WE AREN'T DISCUSSING IT BEYOND THIS, I remember letting out an involuntary rude laugh at how shitty she was.

So that should give you an idea of how stupid and infuriating our class was. I didn't even get into the stupid conversations me and Andrew had to overhear.

Being Good To Yourself

So, let's get off the subject of stupid people. Let's talk about me and Andrew, who are non-stupid people.

Andrew and me had this perspective drawing we had to do. His various attempts to finish his project were all thwarted. He left one drawing in Redding when he drew one while on vacation, and one got ruined by our shithead cat when she tackled a cup of orange juice Andrew had next to his drawing.

The third one, Andrew was a bit short on time. He was doing it the day of. His downfall is that he got cocky and started inking it right away, but he miscalculated the perspective and messed it all up. He was drawing the castle from Mario 64. He scrawled "I SUCK I FAIL AT LIFE" on it. He didn't wanna go to class, being that THAT was all he had to turn in. AND it was going to be CRITIQUED by the class.

I pleaded with him to come to class, because class is unbearable without him. It took some convincing, but he finally agreed. We get in the car and the song that comes on is BE GOOD TO YOURSELF by JOURNEY. Andrew started getting pumped up, and we decided that the song should be playing during Andrew's presentation. At this point, we didn't care about potentially making asses out of ourselves in the class. We just didn't care.

So we get to class, and we sit through a bunch of critiques. And Andrew goes last. I get up and say "Uh, actually Andrew had a request before we get started." and I put on the Journey CD in the stereo. So Andrew is explaining himself and his actions in front of the class, and journey is playing in the background. It's so great, because Andrew was his low-key self recounting the events that lead up to final product, while Journey played behind him. At the end he says, "and the only thing that kept me coming to class was hearing this song, getting pumped up, and realizing that everything was gonna be okay." The floor is opened for comments. Refund raises his hand:

"Uh, I'd like the drawing better if it didn't have those words on it. You have to understand that you shouldn't do that to your drawings. Don't EVER put down your drawings, NO MATTER WHAT! These drawings are your children! YOU WOULD NEVER DO THIS TO YOUR CHILDREN!"

Refund was very passionate, and even took a commanding tone. Everyone started to clap. Journey was still playing in the background. And Life was awesome.

The Exciting Conclusion

So for a final project, we all had to draw self-portraits, and we could get creative if we wanted. I decided to draw my head into a movie poster. But which one was the question. Andrew suggested Beethoven. I loved the idea, and committed to it. So I drew my head onto Beethoven's body from the poster.

I drew the whole movie poster, and I wanted to be precise, so I did it by photoshopping my head into the picture, drawing a grid over it, then transferring it to another grid twice the scale onto our regular art paper.

So I bring it to class on the final day, and we are presenting our drawings to the class. Now, I mentioned how Refund could be on the pompous side, right? And up till this point, I tended to defend him and be on his side, despite how pretentious or slightly rude on critique days. Usually he had SOME tact when he criticized other people's works. But this was the last day of school, and I guess the gloves were off, because he was critiquing everyone in the class real heavy, being snottier than usual. Just really trash-talking every drawing like nuts.

So we get to my drawing, which was unfinished because I don't care. So she had everyone look at it especially close before we continued. So everyone gets their good look at it, and it's time to critique. Refund raises his hand, and speaks with more aggression and anger than I've ever heard ANYBODY speak with towards ANY drawing in the class. "I HAVE TO SAY, THIS IS THE LEAST-CREATIVE DRAWING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!"

I had a lot of pent up aggression to take out on this class. And I was betrayed by this guy who I'd defended, albeit privately. I was one of the few people in the class who didn't openly mock him. So after sitting through this guy give shit to everybody, and he is getting into it with me. And I shout at him, "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU JERK??" It was a complete knee-jerk reaction. But I was honestly genuinely pissed.

"ALL YOU DID WAS COPY TWO PHOTOS! THAT REQUIRES NO CREATIVITY" he shouted back to me. The teacher intervened, trying to be diplomatic: "There's probably a good reason this drawing is the way that it is, lets let Luke talk about it." Damn straight there's a reason why the drawing is the way it is: I want it that way! Is there nothing to be said for a pure concept? Why bother drawing anything if it's not going to be something that you personally are interested in? And, if this is the concept you are going with, this is clearly the way to go about it. That's a reasonable defense.

But, instead of saying any of that, I decided to go with an improvised comedy monologue about wanting Charles Grodin to be my dad. And, I was still pissed off, and instead of changing my tone to a reverential one, I kept the same angry tone. So nobody had any idea that I was joking. I'd say 90% of the class thought I was going off my rocker. I said all of this really angry and defensively: "I’ll tell you right now why the drawing is the way it is: I want Charles Grodin to be my dad! But then I realized, 'oh wait, Charles Grodin wasn't the dog's DAD, he was the dog's OWNER. So that's why I didn't finish it! I realized I'd made a big fool out of myself in front of the class!" So nobody really knows what to think, and I'm sure they all think I'm a psycho (probably right).

So Refund's turn up at bat is this: he walks up to his drawing hanging on the wall, which is hanging hotdog-wise. He plants his pointer finger no it and goes, all smug "PERSON." Then he flips his drawing hamburger-wise and goes "GARDEN." And then stomps back to his seat all satisfied with himself. Whoopty shit, you've made the community college art-class equivalent of a Mad Fold-in.

So I raise my hand.

I've already made an ass out of myself as far as these people are concerned, so I don't give a shit. The teacher hesitated calling on me, but she does. "I think… (dramatic pause) his drawing (dramatic pause)… is the MOST creative drawing I've ever seen. And that's why I was so hurt when he came down on my efforts." I was just as proud of my zinger as he was his abstract fold-in job, but we both had the same reaction: stunned/apathetic silence.

The teacher asks me to elaborate, asking why I think that it's the most creative. I quickly respond with "I don't know." a call-back to dumb-dumb girl's reaction to the video. It occurred to me to answer with "I just wanted to zing the tard" but I could not bring myself to be that mean. Also, I don't think you're allowed to call your own comeback a "zing" if nobody laughs at it.

The whole class, me and Andrew passed a note to one another, a conversation, which started out with me saying "I bet Billy Crystal would like it if the MARK TWAIN AWARDS were renamed to THE BILLY CRYISTAL AWARDS" and it delved into our mutual mental breakdowns and the raging emotions inside of us. I turned it into the teacher for extra credit, and apologized to her for my whole life.

What we got out of this class: Well, we made friends with one girl, who we've yet to really hang out with or anything. When me and Andrews lives aren't in shambles maybe we will get on that. We turned a girl away from liking Dane Cook, and got her into liking Louis CK. And I have two pieces of original art hanging on my wall that I can be somewhat proud of (perhaps I will have three if I ever finish the Beethoven picture).

That is the story of Beginning Drawing at College of the Redwoods. Thanks, guys.

WFYB: The Two Mikes

2007-12-18T00:00:00.000-08:00

Desert Blues 2008

2007-12-11T02:06:00.000-08:00

So, I've been making a DVD of Desert Blues, with extra features produced by myself and some friends of mine.

Here's a comic book I made for it. I'd really like it if you read it and enjoyed.

Oh, if you want some background on these characters (which I assure you is completely and utterly unnecessary for the purposes of my comic) or have no idea what I'm talking about, this comic is based on this movie:

It was made in 1995 and is Johnny Knoxville's first movie.

Here is the comic! LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK!

Click to Read More!

Selected stories from an online survey

2007-11-11T23:59:00.000-08:00

17. Do you have any really crazy relatives?
My aunt jane who had a hissy fit because me and my mom dropped by unexpectedly, WITHOUT CALLING AHEAD. My mom hates this, because anytime she calls ahead, Jane makes a big deal and forces company to stay for dinner and makes a big fuss that my mom did not have time for on this particular day. She just wanted to see her sister while she was in town! My aunt was really upset, and she had a mental break-down in front of a small child she was babysitting. "WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL FIRST?" my aunt cried, almost actually crying tears. "I thought you might be at church!" My mom said. "I HAVE NOT BEEN TO CHURCE SINCE SEPTEMBER 11th 2001, SUSAN. YOU KNOW THAT" My mom did NOT actually know this. Anyway, the story ends with my other aunt (Marty, who was with us) saying to the little kid "well you're a very pretty little girl!" and the kid replying "I'm a boy." and us leaving on that note.

22. When is the last time you ate Peanut butter and jelly?
I never have eaten jelly in my life. The last time I ate Peanut Butter, now there's a story. Me and Andrew were coming down from Redding to Eureka to look at apartments. We were determined to find a place, our jobs at Borders were on the line. I decided to eat a healthy meal. On the road you tend to excuse yourself from your normal standards of eating and you allow yourself to eat like shit, because you are away from your normal spots. Well, me and Andrew had been on the road A LOT, and I didn't like how I'd been eating. So I packed a lunch. I packed an apple, a banana, some carrots, a peanut butter sandwich, and some orange juice. I consumed it all in the car, while Andrew drove.

So we are waiting for the first apartment we are going to see, and as we are waiting outside, I get the rumbling in my tummy. I don't communicate this, because what the fuck am I going to do about it? Bail on this crucial apartment-hunt appointment? And also, I am not about to pollute a toilet that belongs to the apartment I am looking at. That's kind of a no-no it would seem like. I have to pretend like everything is fine while everyone looks at the apartment, then I tell andrew that we have to leave NOW. It's a real fight keeping what I have inside me inside me. I mean, I should have weighed my bowel movement and listed that weight as what my butthole could bench.

So we are speed walking to Andrews car, which is hard when you feel like you're about to give birth to a baby made of shit. I get in and mutter OKAY GO GO GO GO GO. Andrew starts driving me to the nearest toilet a few blocks away. He drives, I'd say about 3 feet, when I yell STOP. I get out the car and run around a corner. This is by the street bordering beach before the northcoast boardwalk area. I pull down my shorts in broad daylight and I let out what had been raging inside me: Some kind of peanut-butter butt-baby hybrid, that in my head is somehow alive and screaming. Somebody could have easily walked or driven past and seen me, a 23-year-old young man with a plant stem up my butt, as if it were activating my rectum's gag reflex. I was only a few feet from the sidewalk, against the side of a building, between that and a black pick up truck parked on the dirt. Not the most private of places to take what might be the worst shit I've ever hard. PS, a bowel movement like this can be extra horrifying when you do not have two gallons of toilet water diluting it. You really get a sense of how much was in you.

So I walk back to Andrew's car. I had nothing to wipe with, so I just have to be extra careful. Not to get shit on my underwear, I mean. I am covered in sweat and breathing heavily. I get in and kinda sit with my knees on the seat instead of my butt. Andrew asks, "so... you just had to pee really bad, right?" "No Andrew." I answer solomnly. He took me to the co-op where I shit in a toilet like a person.

31. What was the last thing you ate?
A handburger at some resturant in Willow Creek on the way back home to Eureka from Redding. It's a funny story: I WAS going to eat at Red Robin in Redding before I left, but opted not to because the parking lot was packed. So I go to this random place in Willow Creek, and guess who my server is? A GUY WHO USED TO SERVE ME ALL THE TIME AT RED ROBIN! PS: What does "funny story" mean again? I forgot.

41. Is your birthday on a holiday?
If you consider Jeffrey Jones' birthday a holiday, yes. So, yes. Because you do.

46. Do you like polar bears?
No

47. Do you like alligators?
yes

50. Do you have to get your wisdom teeth out?
I did already, and it was really kind of a great thing. It didn't hurt very much at all. I remember I asked the doctor about the anesthetic, what it was. He explained to me what the actual chemical was. I said, "no, I mean what actually is it physically? how are you giving it to me?" He said it was the IV. "oh wow, I didn't even know that." Then a split second later I was giggling like beavis or butt-head and being shown a video about how to take care of my new mouth holes. I ate pudding for a day and had gauze in my mouth. It wasn't nearly as painful as I thought it would be. I had bought Simpsons Season 6 and saved it for my day of bedrest and watched the whole thing, episodes AND commentaries. It was seriously an awesome day. I weened myself off of the vicodan really quickly and had a lot left over, which I finished off on days at the theater when I felt like shit (and later when I cracked my tail bone on my 23rd birthday carrying a broken laserdisc player down the stairs. Worst fucking birthday ever). Getting my wisdom teeth taken out is one of the best experiences of my life. I would do it again in a heartbeat.

WFYB: The Kermit the Frog Show

2006-02-08T16:37:00.000-08:00

Baby Luigi Appreciation Month by Mark Riddles

2005-08-04T02:28:00.000-07:00