Living with a Hernia (Part 1 of 1)

Hey Guys! It's me, Jixby Phillips! Hernia-haver extraordinaire! Just in case you didn't get clued in before, let me fill you in on the facts: I have a hernia, and I hate it!

The story goes like this: A little over two months ago, I started experiencing a pain in my pelvis that on two different occasions required my going to a doctor to be checked out.

In case you don't know, here's what it looks like when you have a hernia:



Here's how it FEELS when you have a hernia:



(Note: This is not entirely accurate. Having had the hernia, my penis has never felt smaller)

So after two hospital visits with an incompetent, pony-tailed, eye-rolling, dismissive dink-bag who dressed like a janitor, I decided to get a second opinion. I came to this first guy insisting I had a hernia. The second opnion was brought on by not sleeping all night being in pain from what I thought was gas ("It's not a hernia" - Richard Dunn MD, twice).

Oh, here's the thing about medical clinics: It's fucking hard as shit to be seen if you're a new patient. This might not be true in your town, but where I live it took fucking forever to find somebody who was willing to see me. Even if you sound pathetic and plead that you're "in pain and just want to be seen." I called about 15 different places, and every receptionist was an asshole. So do yourself a favor, find a place that will see you BEFORE you get sick. It's shitty and you shouldn't have to resort to this when you're in pain like that, but it's true.

It was a fucking relief and a half when I was told by Dr. Cool (he really was cool) "Oh that's a hernia, lets get you some drugs dude! (grinds a rail)."

So yeah, I had an EMERGENCY SURGERY! I guess I could've died.

I spent most of my time having drugs administered to me. And I got to listen to my neighbor behind the curtain. It was his birthday. He decided to live it up by doing heroin for the first time in a year. Apparently there was some sort of physical altercation between him and his girlfriend. He's handcuffed to the bed, waiting for the police to take him away. Happy birthday dude, you did it.

So Anyway, this blog entry is getting light on jokes so I better wrap it up. If you take anything from this blog, it's to get a second opinion on shit like this. Hernias are seriously awful. Sitting in bed for days sounds great but it's still fucking painful as shit. Want to sit up because your back hurts? Get ready to have your eyes well up with tears as you very slowly hoist yourself up with your arms. Today a successful bowel movement drove me to tears of joy. Hopefully this will be the last time I ever have to live a Weird Al song. Yeah, that's the joke I'm gonna end this with.