Selected stories from an online survey

17. Do you have any really crazy relatives?
My aunt jane who had a hissy fit because me and my mom dropped by unexpectedly, WITHOUT CALLING AHEAD. My mom hates this, because anytime she calls ahead, Jane makes a big deal and forces company to stay for dinner and makes a big fuss that my mom did not have time for on this particular day. She just wanted to see her sister while she was in town! My aunt was really upset, and she had a mental break-down in front of a small child she was babysitting. "WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL FIRST?" my aunt cried, almost actually crying tears. "I thought you might be at church!" My mom said. "I HAVE NOT BEEN TO CHURCE SINCE SEPTEMBER 11th 2001, SUSAN. YOU KNOW THAT" My mom did NOT actually know this. Anyway, the story ends with my other aunt (Marty, who was with us) saying to the little kid "well you're a very pretty little girl!" and the kid replying "I'm a boy." and us leaving on that note.

22. When is the last time you ate Peanut butter and jelly?
I never have eaten jelly in my life. The last time I ate Peanut Butter, now there's a story. Me and Andrew were coming down from Redding to Eureka to look at apartments. We were determined to find a place, our jobs at Borders were on the line. I decided to eat a healthy meal. On the road you tend to excuse yourself from your normal standards of eating and you allow yourself to eat like shit, because you are away from your normal spots. Well, me and Andrew had been on the road A LOT, and I didn't like how I'd been eating. So I packed a lunch. I packed an apple, a banana, some carrots, a peanut butter sandwich, and some orange juice. I consumed it all in the car, while Andrew drove.

So we are waiting for the first apartment we are going to see, and as we are waiting outside, I get the rumbling in my tummy. I don't communicate this, because what the fuck am I going to do about it? Bail on this crucial apartment-hunt appointment? And also, I am not about to pollute a toilet that belongs to the apartment I am looking at. That's kind of a no-no it would seem like. I have to pretend like everything is fine while everyone looks at the apartment, then I tell andrew that we have to leave NOW. It's a real fight keeping what I have inside me inside me. I mean, I should have weighed my bowel movement and listed that weight as what my butthole could bench.

So we are speed walking to Andrews car, which is hard when you feel like you're about to give birth to a baby made of shit. I get in and mutter OKAY GO GO GO GO GO. Andrew starts driving me to the nearest toilet a few blocks away. He drives, I'd say about 3 feet, when I yell STOP. I get out the car and run around a corner. This is by the street bordering beach before the northcoast boardwalk area. I pull down my shorts in broad daylight and I let out what had been raging inside me: Some kind of peanut-butter butt-baby hybrid, that in my head is somehow alive and screaming. Somebody could have easily walked or driven past and seen me, a 23-year-old young man with a plant stem up my butt, as if it were activating my rectum's gag reflex. I was only a few feet from the sidewalk, against the side of a building, between that and a black pick up truck parked on the dirt. Not the most private of places to take what might be the worst shit I've ever hard. PS, a bowel movement like this can be extra horrifying when you do not have two gallons of toilet water diluting it. You really get a sense of how much was in you.

So I walk back to Andrew's car. I had nothing to wipe with, so I just have to be extra careful. Not to get shit on my underwear, I mean. I am covered in sweat and breathing heavily. I get in and kinda sit with my knees on the seat instead of my butt. Andrew asks, "so... you just had to pee really bad, right?" "No Andrew." I answer solomnly. He took me to the co-op where I shit in a toilet like a person.

31. What was the last thing you ate?
A handburger at some resturant in Willow Creek on the way back home to Eureka from Redding. It's a funny story: I WAS going to eat at Red Robin in Redding before I left, but opted not to because the parking lot was packed. So I go to this random place in Willow Creek, and guess who my server is? A GUY WHO USED TO SERVE ME ALL THE TIME AT RED ROBIN! PS: What does "funny story" mean again? I forgot.

41. Is your birthday on a holiday?
If you consider Jeffrey Jones' birthday a holiday, yes. So, yes. Because you do.

46. Do you like polar bears?
No

47. Do you like alligators?
yes

50. Do you have to get your wisdom teeth out?
I did already, and it was really kind of a great thing. It didn't hurt very much at all. I remember I asked the doctor about the anesthetic, what it was. He explained to me what the actual chemical was. I said, "no, I mean what actually is it physically? how are you giving it to me?" He said it was the IV. "oh wow, I didn't even know that." Then a split second later I was giggling like beavis or butt-head and being shown a video about how to take care of my new mouth holes. I ate pudding for a day and had gauze in my mouth. It wasn't nearly as painful as I thought it would be. I had bought Simpsons Season 6 and saved it for my day of bedrest and watched the whole thing, episodes AND commentaries. It was seriously an awesome day. I weened myself off of the vicodan really quickly and had a lot left over, which I finished off on days at the theater when I felt like shit (and later when I cracked my tail bone on my 23rd birthday carrying a broken laserdisc player down the stairs. Worst fucking birthday ever). Getting my wisdom teeth taken out is one of the best experiences of my life. I would do it again in a heartbeat.