Re: Ace Ventura DVD edited?

Originally posted on aspecialthing.com

I had a nightmare about Ace Ventura when I was younger that went like this:

It was specifically about Ace Ventura in "Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls" (the sequel). In the dream, he marched up to a pregnant African woman, and smashed her in the belly with a shovel, forcing her fetus to pop out. She cried like a baby while Ace taunted her. He, with much skills, sliced the umbilical cord, scooped up the baby, and flung it into the distance, shouting "AWWW? YOU WANT YOUR BABY? THERE GOES YOUR BABY!"

I remember it made me sick and disturbed and I was too spooked to ever watch Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls until I was much older and over it.

I-Mockery Secret Santa 2008

So, I did the I-mockery Secret Santa thing. I got some presents, and had a blast! I missed the deadline on posting pictures, so this is a little late. I hope they don't mind! Mark Riddles helped me out behind the scenes with a terrific script and a killer directorial style. Thanks a lot!

AIM Chats

hound: wait jixby
hound: did you see Juno
Jixby Phillips: no i did not
Jixby Phillips: did YOU
hound: yea
hound: i cheated and DOWNLOADED IT
hound: and thank god i didnt pay for it sheeeeeesh
hound: it's as bad as tom scarfling says
Jixby Phillips: it sounds terrifying
hound: GROSS
hound: Diablow Cod is on letterdude
Tommy: Is she hot
Jixby Phillips: she stripped tommy
Jixby Phillips: shes gotta be
Tommy: i'm prophecized to marry a stripper, i wonder if it's her
hound: shes already marred
Jixby Phillips: WHAT????

hound: morrissey on last call
Tommy: i do a pretty good impression of morrissey
Tommy: against all odds
hound: morrissey and a kid that kills sharks for fun
hound: i hope morrissey says something
Tommy: that would be sweet
Tommy: except...
Tommy: I WISH EVERY SHARK DIED
hound: who are you, Paul F Tompkins?
Tommy: I'm defying Yao Ming by saying that, but I hate them
hound: this kid rips out their eyes though
Tommy: well I also hate alligators, crocodiles, jellyfish, squid, etc
hound: stay out of the ocean!
Tommy: all dangerous sealife
hound: sealife is scary and gross
hound: thats why i stay away
Tommy: I do, i'll never go into a body of natural water ever again
hound: i watched this thing on snails and slugs and other reef animals
hound: it made me nauseous
Tommy: I was making up scenarios of that grss guy i know
Tommy: and i almsot made myself throw up by saying this:
hound: her face
hound: it was so old
hound: and wrinkly
Tommy: I'm walking with him on the beach and he's talking, and like nothing he reaches intot he ocean and pulls out a sea slug, spits all over it, and then rubs it in sand and eats it, like nothing
Tommy: like it's just something natural
Tommy: and continues his story
hound: why would he need to spit on it before rubbing sand
Tommy: because he spits all the time
Tommy: maybe it's part of his digestive process
hound: maybe his spit is like those foaming soaps
hound: they need to be exposed to air before becoming effective
Tommy: taking bites of a sea slug covered in sand and his own mucus

Mark Riddles: so where were you
Mark Riddles: when you found out about Heath
Mark Riddles: I was playing a game when all of a sudden PILLOWFIGHT pops up via IM in my full screen game saying HEATH LEDGER IS DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and it froze my computer
Mark Riddles: i thought it was a horrifying virus
Jixby Phillips: hahahha
Jixby Phillips: it was heath ledger's ghost
Mark Riddles: WHERE WERE YOU
Jixby Phillips: I was at my computer
Jixby Phillips: i saw a myspace bulliten
Jixby Phillips: i thought "who is taht again?"
Mark Riddles: from heath?
Jixby Phillips: and I went to imdb, who confermed it
Jixby Phillips: nice spelling on confirmed, by the way
Jixby Phillips: and I looked up his filmography and realized i've never seen a single movie he's been in
Mark Riddles: hard n' confirmed
Mark Riddles: i've seen A Knight's Tale
Mark Riddles: and uhhhh 10 things i hate about JEWS (MadTV Parody)
Jixby Phillips: I stayed away from TEN THINGS because I took the title literally to be about ME
Jixby Phillips: that is something doug woudl have a nightmare about
Jixby Phillips: right after getting diareah over getting worried about a haircut
Mark Riddles: the joker did not get away
Mark Riddles: hahaha
Mark Riddles: doug once got a nightmare about tearing something that is periforated
Jixby Phillips: haha
Mark Riddles: his dream had him riding a train
Mark Riddles: made of periforated line
Mark Riddles: but then there is a rip
Mark Riddles: and the train derails
Mark Riddles: and doug, screams
Mark Riddles: wanna play donkey kong by e-mail
Jixby Phillips: email, wow
Jixby Phillips: that sounds great
Mark Riddles: e-mail, electronic

Rocky in Reverse

Me and Andrew watched every Rocky movie! It's because I saw Rocky Balboa without ever seeing any Rocky movie. So Andrew thought it would be funny if we watched all the Rocky movies but in reverse order, working up to the first one. It's a goofy way to watch it because basically every movie starts out with the end of the last one. Spoiler alert!

Here are my thoughts!

Rocky V

This was billed as the worst of the Rockies, and Andrew was dreading it. "It fucking SUCKS" he said. But we decided to power through. But we wound up having a blast watching it! There's a lot of important messages about fathers and sons (finally we get to see Rocky be a good dad). Rocky learned not to replace his son with the stupid meathead he wants to train. The son learned not to be a freak and wear an earing (best scene: he runs out of the house frustrated, and when it cuts to him and his friends on the street they are talking about running away for good luckily, Rock shows up to make things right). Basically everyone acts like a jerk and learns a lesson, which is great because I'm a fan of both things. Adrian is the biggest b*tch in this one!

Rocky IV

Huh Who's this Apollo creed guy? Why wasn't he in Rocky V? Maybe it has something to do with this world-famous Yakov Smirnoff joke: IN RUSSIA APOLLO CREED KILLS YOU! Rocky tries to retire for the 18th time in his career when a scary evil Russian comes and starts a score for Rocky to settle. I won't spoil it here, but he fucking kills Apollo Creed. Adrian is a b*tch but at least she's more supportive of Rocky, coming all the way to Russia just to bring the "Hearts on Fire" casette tape for Rocky to work out to. In this movie Rocky is fighting for what's right and not just himself and he changes russia for the better. I'm glad I opted out of watching this while playing the drinking game, where everytime the Russian dude makes you boo, you take a shot. I'd be fucking bombed as a cockeyed creep. Also it shows the difference between technology in America and Technology in Russia. In Russia they use technology to be jerks. In America we make cool robots that dudes can fuck.

Rocky III

Mr. T is in this one and he's a huge pr*ck and Rocky has to get the fight back! Apollo helps out and he and Rocky's friendship officially begins! Rocky is rich as f*ck in this one and it's f*cking awesome. The Hulkster Hogan shows up and calls Rocky a meatball over and over. There is not much to say about this one because by the time you see Rocky VI and Rocky V you've already seen Rocky try and get the fight back. But I will say this you should do: Check out the fight between Rocky and Hulk Hogan but watch it with english subtitles and french audio track. It is adorable.

Rocky II

You get to see Rocky become famous from his world famous fight and Apollo Creed gets the his cocky block knocked off and winds up eating crow. Adrian isn't a b*tch yet and Rocky marries her!!! There's a part where they are at the zoo and the tiger is out and Rocky proposes to her and then when she says yes Rocky goes "Hey Mr. Tiger we're gettin married!" and it's my favorite part because it's so romantic! Tigers play a pivotal role in this movie because Rocky has one on his back the entire time (better than a MONKEY, thank god Rocky stays drug-free in all of these movies).

Rocky

This movie really was the best of all. It had a lot of romance which I like and it has the most heart. The scenes between Rocky and Adrian are electric and Adrian is the least amount b*tch of all (except when she runs and hides from Rocky but thats not really b*tchy as much as it is just shes mentally ill ). The scenes between Mickey and Rocky are the best in this one. It's really weird watching a Rocky movie without seeing the ending of the previous one though. Andrew was sayin they should make a prequel where it's about Rocky wantin to be a boxer and it leads up to the fight at the begining (if you don't remember it's not very triumphant he wins but the dude he fights is just some schlub and everyone boos him and he gets called a bum) Also the conversation between Rocky and the kid all telling her shes gonna grow up to be a whore if shes not careful is priceless.

That is my review of the Rockies I hope you liked it!

The 2008 Murray-off.

Hello everyone. Happy 2008

Mark Riddles has invented my favorite thing of the moment: The 2008 Bill Murray Tournament. It is currently going on our message board. Here is the official Tournament Bracket, it is all his doing:

And here is his official statement attached to the promotional materials:

"16 Bill Murrays come in, only 1 comes out. Who will win it all.

It doesn't get much cooler than Bill Murray so it's easy to know he's top dog. But which rendition of Bill Murray is the best. That is a hard one to answer. So, in celebration of the new millenium, I will pit 16 Bill Murrays against each other and you decide who comes out on top.

Sixteen Bill Murrays, Unbelievable!"

Read the thread here, if you want: (Link). This includes links to youtube videos of Bill guest announcing at a Cubs game, which is one of the Murray's in the running.

Here are my votes!

1. GHOSTBUSTERS vs GARFIELD

I think I'm going with Ghostbusters no contest. In Ghost Busters we get to see Murray do what he does best. He tangles with authority and tells a dude hes got no dick. He gets very sexy with a lady and makes all her dreams come true. He tells everyone that ghosts are bullshit and then busts every single one of them. At least here we get to see him bust some ghosts, instead of bust Odie's chops! What did Odie ever do to Garfield that made him so sour anyway? (or as Garfield would say, so "MEOW-ER")

2. CADDYSHACK vs. THE SWEET SPOT

So, I really have to explain this one. The way I'm voting is I'm pitting Murray against Murray, not Movie against Movie. I was actually one of a few who actually liked The Sweet Spot, but I barely remember it. Caddyshack was a movie I never was into as a boy, but recently was sat down to rewatch it at Andrew's urging. I actually really love it now. But Bill Murray isn't what makes me LOVE it. For me, Caddyshack is all about Dangerfield and Ted Knight. Also just as much it's about young Danny, and his desire to go to college and have sex with girls. Sure, Chevy and Bill brought in the kids and they do a good job. But Caddyshack wouldn't have suffered much in terms of quality if Bill wasn't there. I'm not saying they could do better, I'm just saying the groundskeeper stuff isn't what I watch Caddyshack for. Now the Sweet Spot, imagine how dead in the water they'd be without Bill. Shit, they HAD Bill, and it was already cancelled before it was ever on the air pretty much. But I guess that's what I liked about Sweet Spot. It clearly had no future, and nobody cared. So it's just four brothers goofin' off (and golfin' off!). Good for them, I hope they had fun!

3. LOST IN TRANSLATION vs. SCROOGED

I might be the biggest fan of Lost in Translation here. I think it's a great movie! But in the game of Murray vs. Murray, I have to give it to famous dickhead Scroonge Murray. I even like the scarey movie art! Murray's face looks like it's doing an impression of Bobcat's on the Hot to Trot poster, a gutsy move considering he could raise the ire of Mr. Hot-to-Trot himself Bobcan Goldthwait, who famously guest starred as a guest role in this movie. Scrooged gets thumbs up from me.

4. GROUNDHOG DAY vs WHAT ABOUT BOB

Man I love both of these movies, and I even disagree about Richard Dreyfus ruining. Groundhog Day is such a classic great Murray though. He's a real jerk and with Chris Elliott on his team, he's no slouch. I remember my dad laughing like the dickens at What About Bob every time when the house exploded. One time I bought Groundhog Day. It came out the Tuesday before Groundhog Day, but my local Target wasn't carrying it it seemed. I was very excited and went the day it came out to buy it. As fate would have it, I wound up at Target the very next day, which was Groundhog Day (the holiday) and they had it! I guess they just forgot to put it out! So I buy it and the guy at the counter is all snotty, and hes like "oh you're buying Groundhogs day on Groundhogs day. I get it." (why would you be snotty at me for this anyway??) I remember getting mad at him all LOOK BUDDY THIS CAME OUT YESTERDAY AND YOU FORGOT TO PUT IT ON THE SHELVES YOU ARE NOT DOING YOUR JOB VERY WELL I COULD GET YOU FIRED and also I did not even realize it was Groundhog Day.

5. SNL vs. THE LIFE AQUATIC

HONESTLY, I struggle to think of SNL Murray that really gets me pumped to vote for him over Life Aquatic Murray. And I've seen plenty of SNL stuff with him. I think Life Aquatic is an awesome movie, it used to be my least favorite of the Wesly Anderson movies and now it is my favorite. In this movie he gets called a faggot for wearing an earring and gets pissed, then he shoots a bunch of dudes who try to invade his boat. He cries after seeing a beautiful shark that ate his friend. If that is not a real man I do not know what is. I'm not putting down stuff he did on SNL, I honestly think Life Aquatic is more memorable.

6. THE ROYAL TENENBAUMS vs. CUBS

I love Royal Tenebaums, I love Murray. But he kinda feels jammed into this movie. I mean, he has a small part, which maybe isn't a bad thing… I mean life is full of people who have small parts in it right? He's not a pointless character. But as a character Raleigh St. Clair just seems like he has better stuff to do than to be in this movie. Sure he's sad about his special lady boning a dude that would go looney tunes and drive into some rocks later, but I consider him to be a mostly happy character. He's got that dweeboid to hang around with. He does not need to be voted for. Cubs Murray is a real treat to watch and it just reminds us all how much of a wonderful and talented man he is. He is a man not afraid to chow down on live TV with the most ding-dong lookin' food around, and that says a lot about his own feelings of masculine security. And that is so classic Murray.

7. STRIPES vs MEATBALLS

Wow a real tough one! I actually own Meatballs, but I do not own Stripes, but I've always meant to own Stripes. But Murray is a lot more brash and saucy in Stripes than he is in Meatballs, and the stakes are much higher since this is the army and not summer camp! Sure I'd rather be at Summer Camp too, drinking Kool-Aids and losing my virginity, but if I could handle myself in a war the same way Murray did I'd consider myself a real Murray and that is what this contest is all about.

8. RUSHMORE vs. KINGPIN

Kingpin is a real nostalgic favorite of mine. I used to fucking love it. There was probably a time when I considered it my favorite movie. I used to have a boner for Vanessa Angel too. Yeah, I can see now she's not that great, but when I was 6 or however old I was in 1996 she was a babe. I still like it a lot. I love the road aspect of it. I love what an ugly, weird loser Woody Harrelson is, and he's the actually the "hero" of the movie. I think Randy Quaid is pretty great playing what basically looks like a sketch comedy character for an entire movie. But I think Murray is fucking phenomenal in this movie. Seriously he isn't in this movie a whole lot, but every moment he's on screen is a fucking scream. Remember when and how he ran away after Woody Harrelson punched him? And the goofy hair is fucking awesome. Anyway, I like Rushmore, but nothing about Murray's turn as an unhappy old dude can really sway my vote from the king of all pins, Kingpin Doyle Murray