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Living with a Friend With a Hernia (Part 2 of 5)

First of all, you might be wondering why I named these posts "Living With a Friend with a Hernia" even though I do not live with Jixby Phillips nor do I talk about anything hernia related. Its because I think the title "Living with a Hernia" is catchy. It work with Living with America, of course, but try using it in the song Owner of A Loney Heart.

Living with a hernia
Much better than
living with a torn rotator cuff

It was much catchier when I was singing it in the shower.

Part 2: Dude, Where's My Finger?*

Could I of thought of a more lamer name for this post? I guess not. This post will be in transcript from an recorded interview I had with my mom over the phone. Enjoy.


ME: So how old was I when I went to the hospital.
MOM: Uhhhhhhhh....I think you were four.
ME: And what happened again?
MOM: Well you got your hands on an empty coke can and you cut your finger pretty badly on the mouth of the can.
ME: Wow it was really that bad?
MOM: Yes, your little finger was turning black.
ME: So what did they do with the finger?
MOM: They just bandaged it and gave you a shot.
ME: How did I act about it?
MOM: Like a crybaby (laughs)
ME: I was four
MOM: You were terrified about being in there.
ME: I still am.
MOM: Well you will be in one if you keep riding that bike without a helmet.
ME: ugh, not this again
MOM: Also, this Saturday we are going for dinner for your birthday. Would you like to go to the Steakhouse or the Grill place in the Village.
ME: Can't we go to Dapper's, you know I like their soup there.
MOM: YOU ALREADY.....

(I guess I should fast forward this..sorry)

ME: I don't care, Goodbye.

Yikes, well I guess thats it. In part 3 we we'll be going Down Under! Stay tuned!

*now that you read the story, imagine me as a kid saying that to my mom.

Living with a Friend with a Hernia (Part 1 of 5)

Yes, there will be five parts. They will each be no longer than a paragraph long (this one will be two as this introductory paragraph is supplementing it) as I don't have time to write a really long post this week so check back in the next four days for the rest. It's cool! If you read either of the two posts below you will know that my friend and owner of this website, Jixby Phillips, suffered a hernia for two months due to poor diagnosis from a hippie doctor. I have had nothing but terrible doctor experiences in my life and will share them with you. I will also say something nice about Jixby at the end of each post so there is something for everyone.

Editors Note: I totally fucking lied about the paragraph thing.

PART 1: A SHOT IN THE DARK

Hepatitus was all the rage in the 90s. Everyone was getting it and everybody hated it. So, it was standard (and probably still is but what do I know) that all students entering Junior High get their Hepatitus B and Hepatitus C shots (Hepatitus A was not on the menu because the school thought that it might be the only A some of the student would get in school, I love it). You would get B shots one day and then in about a month you would get C shots. The B shots were okay I guess. I didn't complain too much and it hurt only a little bit.

Yet, when it was time to get the C shots we had to go somewhere else two towns over. I was seated by a nurse on those tables and after a quick check up she told me to roll up your arm. and she cleaned the area. Naturally I though she was going to give the shot but then she left. All of a sudden this guy with a bunch of toys around his neck (yes it was a necklace of little toy figurines, there was at least 80 of them) already preparing a needle as he comes in and just stabs me with it. He lives it in for what seemed like 20 seconds. He joked, "Every drop counts!".

I was too shocked to feel the pain but afterwards my arm hurt like heck afterwards. He then disposes of the needles and gets another one ready. I cringe but it turns out he was getting it ready for someone else. I guess his tactic was to charge at the kid so they don't have a chance to be scared. It had to be so fucking unethical. My mom even complained but I just wanted to go home. I've been terrified by doctors ever since.

In Part 2, we will go back to my first hospital visit at the tender age of 5 a few days before Christmas. I will interview my Mom because I don't remember shit about it. Should be fun! Jixby Phillips is the funniest person I know, no question.

(I probably mispelled Hepatitus wrong, so what!)

Living with a Hernia (Part 1 of 1)

Hey Guys! It's me, Jixby Phillips! Hernia-haver extraordinaire! Just in case you didn't get clued in before, let me fill you in on the facts: I have a hernia, and I hate it!

The story goes like this: A little over two months ago, I started experiencing a pain in my pelvis that on two different occasions required my going to a doctor to be checked out.

In case you don't know, here's what it looks like when you have a hernia:



Here's how it FEELS when you have a hernia:



(Note: This is not entirely accurate. Having had the hernia, my penis has never felt smaller)

So after two hospital visits with an incompetent, pony-tailed, eye-rolling, dismissive dink-bag who dressed like a janitor, I decided to get a second opinion. I came to this first guy insisting I had a hernia. The second opnion was brought on by not sleeping all night being in pain from what I thought was gas ("It's not a hernia" - Richard Dunn MD, twice).

Oh, here's the thing about medical clinics: It's fucking hard as shit to be seen if you're a new patient. This might not be true in your town, but where I live it took fucking forever to find somebody who was willing to see me. Even if you sound pathetic and plead that you're "in pain and just want to be seen." I called about 15 different places, and every receptionist was an asshole. So do yourself a favor, find a place that will see you BEFORE you get sick. It's shitty and you shouldn't have to resort to this when you're in pain like that, but it's true.

It was a fucking relief and a half when I was told by Dr. Cool (he really was cool) "Oh that's a hernia, lets get you some drugs dude! (grinds a rail)."

So yeah, I had an EMERGENCY SURGERY! I guess I could've died.

I spent most of my time having drugs administered to me. And I got to listen to my neighbor behind the curtain. It was his birthday. He decided to live it up by doing heroin for the first time in a year. Apparently there was some sort of physical altercation between him and his girlfriend. He's handcuffed to the bed, waiting for the police to take him away. Happy birthday dude, you did it.

So Anyway, this blog entry is getting light on jokes so I better wrap it up. If you take anything from this blog, it's to get a second opinion on shit like this. Hernias are seriously awful. Sitting in bed for days sounds great but it's still fucking painful as shit. Want to sit up because your back hurts? Get ready to have your eyes well up with tears as you very slowly hoist yourself up with your arms. Today a successful bowel movement drove me to tears of joy. Hopefully this will be the last time I ever have to live a Weird Al song. Yeah, that's the joke I'm gonna end this with.

Hey who here likes hernia jokes?

Here's the latest Press Release by Jixby Phillips.

GUESS WHO JUST HAD SUPRISE HERNIA SURGERY??

I did!

About twelve hours ago, I was being wheeled out of the hospital by my parents who drove to Eureka because they were worried about their boy, who was getting cut open 3 hours away from them.

Special thanks to the shithead doctor at St. Joseph's urgent care in Eureka who failed to diagnose it TWICE when I went in to see him, forcing me to live two fucking months with a painful hernia. I should have known that a pony-tailed man dressed in exclusively in denim wouldn't be a good person trust my health with.

MORAL: Go to the Mad River Hospital in Arcata if you are sick. They actually know what they are doing and are all awesome

I warned him about people with ponytails. And now a hernia joke.

What did the Jixby Phillips think the doctor said when he had a hernia?
It's a hurtingyah (hernia)

The Paintjob will be on hiatus until his return. We have a few paintjobs already finished so don't give up on us yet.

hey ameen have you seen my new blog post?

hey ameen have you seen my new blog post?